Impaling Thoughts

A child has no idea what it feels like to doubt, what it feels like to have your whole belief system on overload with skepticism. Honestly – I have considered quitting, but where will I go, I can’t go back, there’s no room for the living in the land of the dead. So why do I keep pressing forward?

My child, not to be selfish, but consider the child who has not learned the definition of impossible. Have your questions – I’m not telling you to have blind faith, I’m telling you to consider the blind men who had faith and believed before they were able to see me. Consider the birds who eat from my hand and do not fall from the sky without my consent; So how much more will I love the ones I died for. Before you doubt me-doubt your doubts-and you will see that they are as empty as the tomb that I walked from.

Truth is, you know I’m here, you know my truth and you’re still scared of what that means, scared of what that could cost you, that one day they will all laugh at you, laugh you right out of their classrooms and scorn you out of the courtrooms, but my love is not an eviction notice to anxiety. When they cast stones, my love casts out fear; I am the author and finisher of your faith, I have never started on a work that I will not finish. I am the One who will give you the courage to stand, look death in the face and say, How dare you!!

You know who I belong to!

Today I have faith, but I won’t promise about tomorrow. I was surprised many times that I held on this long. Oh God, please, can you make me feel like I’m not crazy. Let me know that I’m not just making friends with these walls, I’ve just got questions – I don’t question You, please don’t leave here. Don’t leave me! I have lived in this darkness of doubt for so long; it seems like I have all the right questions but never enough answers, and my faith is small, so small its only enough to fit in the palms of my hands.

My child, when it seems like you have all the right questions and never enough answers and though your faith is small enough to fit in the cracks of your palms! I told you, faith the size of a mustard seed can rearrange entire landscapes and turn mountains into open highways. Faith comes by word, so maybe you have cuffed your ears with skepticism. To never know the day that you would finally be able to live beyond the “shadow of doubt”.

My dear Abba, every time I lay my head down to sleep-the city of my mind is attacked by legions of questions, threatening the living rooms of sanity, can you help me?

Last year, my nephew laid in his wife’s room at a hospital, he was waiting for their stillborn daughter to come. I had never seen such pain and such confidence living in the same eyes. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but, I know who I belong to. I was so happy and so sad for them; in just a few short minutes their lives went from planning a future with their daughter to planning the funeral of her 9 month life. Somehow the confidence in him was passed on to me and gave me hope. I remember sitting in the cold waiting room crying because I wanted for them to have this little girl they waited nine months for, not for this to be taken from them…

My doubts were preaching a sermon of their own, and my tears streaming, turned into an ocean of frustration. I remember crying for my sister who had now lost her first grand-daughter. I remember my faith being tested and the only thing passing was my hope, me and a backpack full of fear. Nowhere to go, no one to help unpack. I sleep but I never rest. These lines around my eyes are not wrinkles, they are maps that show the winding roads that led to my pain – I’m tired, so very tired. I’m longing for the day I can place my fingers in his hands, the same hands that had stakes driven through them.

When it feels like you are drowning in sea of your questions, just know I am there, I’m there. Like when I drowned in the red sea of my blood and these hands that took holes for you will hold you and when I told you I will love you forever, I meant it! Don’t you see these rings in my hands, see, we are married, for better or for worse; through sickness and through health, through faith and through questions, till death brings us closer, you are mine.

You are mine and I am yours.
I promise.

Published by Nancy

I’m a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother, a writer, a friend. I cook, clean, work, teach, study, live, love and laugh, but when it’s all said and done, I still feel empty. I want what I can’t have, I’ve wanted it for a long time but it was taken. I thought to myself, the desire for it should go away now that I’ve prayed…I’ve cried, begged, pleaded and even pretended it wasn’t there; I cry out to God and beg Him to please just take this from me, do something to strip me of the earthly desires, of the evil in my heart and nothing happens…it’s still there and some days it’s hard to swallow and suck down the tears inside, it hurts so much and in one brief moment, it could all be gone so quickly! He gives me words to bless others with and release my own thoughts.

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