Doing More Hard Things…

I let go of my past, I was thinking it would be a beautiful release, instead, it was quite the opposite and didn’t feel shameful afterwards or embarrassed or all those things one might normally feel. I felt so much worse!

It was Sabbath morning (that is Saturday,not Sunday). I had been intentionally praying and seeking guidance in order to understand how to do this ‘thing’. I have nothing to show for comparison to what this has been like. I’ve had a mentor for a number of years now to help me through the process of healing and learning how to walk in my Salvation (Torah). He had encouraged me in the past year or so that I really needed to stop holding onto the past, it was affecting me terribly and I had this emotionally charged reaction when things went bonkers in my daily life.

I wanted an idea of what I might experience in this period of ‘letting go’, however, I know now that there is truly no one who could have given me an accurate response for what would happen with Me. A few described their experiences and most seemed smooth, with little negative reaction. For me, it was more than a little. I was irate, I was angry, I was literally seeing Red, I felt the heat coming from my face, I begged and pleaded to feel something besides this anger, because I have never been an angry person. Now, I didn’t know who I was without any feeling or attachment to the past. I felt empty, VOID of anything of who I once was. I was throwing things, slamming things, crying and screaming for God to please HELP ME understand.

Please just Fix Me!!

I don’t want to go back but Fix Me

please Fix Me so I understand what happened.

I never had expectations of being void and I was so furious with all this process. I wouldn’t give up, I wouldn’t quit because I’m stronger than that. And God knew that, still He knows that. I couldn’t find who I once was, I felt lost and like part of me was missing and that was good but it didn’t feel good at the time.

My mentor told me it might not be easy or pleasant but I never expected it to be this, this anger, this raging, screaming-for-help response. It physically hurt so badly. Throughout the day I slept, all day I slept. I woke up and cried and then I slept more. I felt like I had betrayed who I was.

It took me several days to set out and allow myself to be in an atmosphere that could throw me off course, so I approached every situation with caution and thought out my plan of action just in case.

In those few days, Someone said to me, think of all the things you can do now that you aren’t constantly relating to the past in every situation and they were so right. I knew I had to do something to start planting some positive seeds to replace the old negative ones, so I put on praise music and played it as much as I could throughout the day as I slept. I read my Bible, using my list of “How God tells us He loves Us”. I couldn’t let anything negative enter until I was gaining some momentum with my new self….until I felt stronger in my mind and I could begin to see that there is a future of love and hope for me. I don’t know where I’m going yet nor what I’ll do. I am having a hard time with my writing because I don’t want to write about the past any longer, only the future and what God has in store for me. I have changed. I am loving who I am now. I am not relating meticulously to the past in order to share with others what my Father can do for them too.

La’Chaim

Nancy

 

Published by Nancy

I’m a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother, a writer, a friend. I cook, clean, work, teach, study, live, love and laugh, but when it’s all said and done, I still feel empty. I want what I can’t have, I’ve wanted it for a long time but it was taken. I thought to myself, the desire for it should go away now that I’ve prayed…I’ve cried, begged, pleaded and even pretended it wasn’t there; I cry out to God and beg Him to please just take this from me, do something to strip me of the earthly desires, of the evil in my heart and nothing happens…it’s still there and some days it’s hard to swallow and suck down the tears inside, it hurts so much and in one brief moment, it could all be gone so quickly! He gives me words to bless others with and release my own thoughts.

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