For years I’ve relegated this woman, this other part of me that I had tucked away to the corners in the rooms I go to; oftentimes, leaving her to her own devices. Never wanting her to have attention or allowing her to get close to many people.
While on the outside, I lived in denial and pretended that I was this cheerful and happy person when deep down I was worse than miserable, I was deeper than the deepest pit that I had ever seen.
I have to forgive myself for all these years, for things I didn’t know I had to forgive myself for…I think I sound like,
Romans 7:15 for that which I do I allow not: for what I would do, I do not ; but what I hate, that do I. 16-If then I do which I would not, I consent unto the law that it is good.
This is what Paul wrote about himself. I feel like this is how I am too.
I’m a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother, a writer, a friend. I cook, clean, work, teach, study, live, love and laugh, but when it’s all said and done, I still feel empty. I want what I can’t have, I’ve wanted it for a long time but it was taken. I thought to myself, the desire for it should go away now that I’ve prayed…I’ve cried, begged, pleaded and even pretended it wasn’t there; I cry out to God and beg Him to please just take this from me, do something to strip me of the earthly desires, of the evil in my heart and nothing happens…it’s still there and some days it’s hard to swallow and suck down the tears inside, it hurts so much and in one brief moment, it could all be gone so quickly!
He gives me words to bless others with and release my own thoughts.
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