Certain Reservations

I’ve not been here in a while, this place in my mind is reserved. Too many thoughts rambling about, searching for words. Deception, lies, deceit, words unjust and unclean to my mind and my thoughts; a world full of people who are drowning in hurt; they have let pride and stench from the ugly and dirty places fill their lives so high to the point that they don’t think; they seemingly forget about the the deep down hurting words and the beatings in the night; faceless man on the bus {There was a boy/man got on the bus with no face, no eyeballs at all, just hollow places where they were meant to be. He had a service dog and people gawked and stared and I wanted to go talk with him but I didn’t because of the service dog and the protection measures he needed}.  

Two others had a great impact on my ride for those days…It’s quite a thing when we recognize in our own minds that there is something deeper than what we seen or felt.  A young woman huddled in the dark, writing her ‘saving words’, as she referred to them, a young man who aches and cries at night for his mother’s sudden death and the birth of his daughter because he was sitting in another State finalizing his life with his mother. 

How can they not see that there is release, that they don’t have to hide under deceit and lies and there’s a place and a Force we all know and they’re only three small, yet encompassing words, Yahweh, Help Me! Of course, they’re more than just words, there’s daily walking and talking and living outside of what society deems to be normal, to find a voice and calling beyond what’s in a phone.

How do I turn those things into positive, meaningful and life-enhancing words, when I felt like I was stripped of even the smallest amount of dignity at all. It is not a thing of Pride. Once I have forgiven, I don’t like to revisit the occurrence but this time, for the sake of witness, I will. I know where my strength is, I’ve always known that it comes from Him, the Almighty, the Omnipotent God who Loves me, who Loves us all.

I know not why I search unless it’s the giving up of self/ego, trying to think I can do things best on my own. It’s IN Him from which everything I am is drawn from. It’s IN Him that I wake and I breathe through each day that He gives me. His strength is IN the faceless man on the bus, the young woman huddled in the dark,, the young man who aches and cries at night for his mother’s sudden loss. He asked to hug me because I am a mother, missing my mother too.

This was a vivid image in my mind. I was thinking of the people on the bus, on the side of the road, at the airports – no money, no food, no clothes, no Hope. Is hope all it takes to transform a life, desire misconstrued, an opportunity waylaid by a life of unveiling. I think Hope is a great place to start but I believe also that we must have, Faith and Belief in the One God that offers us complete provision when we go to Him.

Sometimes I wonder how people muddle through this world without some glimmer of hope in their eyes. I see it, you know…that look that slips across their face when I meet their eyes with a smile.

That look of want. of plead. of empty. They desire but do not seek.

And then we pass and they are gone. But they stay with me even after I’ve passed through and am home under covers. Because that look of hopelessness coats my soul with the grief that only loss can bring.

I want to go back and touch their shoulder and draw them back to the place I call Home and the One I call Father.

But as for me, I will always have hope, for You have been my hope.

I cling to Him tightly in those moments when the world rocks and I have nothing but the pounding cries of uncertainty. What do they do, when the waves slam them against the rocks until their grasp loosens and their dreams flow from their eyes like water?

In my nights of darkened grief when all I can do is weep until my pillow soaked with my tears and my hair is moist with salted sorrow, I know that my fingers can reach upward and grasp those of the One who holds me close.

I’m running to His arms and the riches of His love will always be enough.

Published by Nancy

I’m a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother, a writer, a friend. I cook, clean, work, teach, study, live, love and laugh, but when it’s all said and done, I still feel empty. I want what I can’t have, I’ve wanted it for a long time but it was taken. I thought to myself, the desire for it should go away now that I’ve prayed…I’ve cried, begged, pleaded and even pretended it wasn’t there; I cry out to God and beg Him to please just take this from me, do something to strip me of the earthly desires, of the evil in my heart and nothing happens…it’s still there and some days it’s hard to swallow and suck down the tears inside, it hurts so much and in one brief moment, it could all be gone so quickly! He gives me words to bless others with and release my own thoughts.

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