Living Through the Painful Moments

So much of my past hurt me, I hid so much for so long and used food as a protection from more pain. Now, I’m addicted to food or at least carbohydrates. I used to love myself or at least I convinced myself I did. No one could hate me more than I do myself at times. The other day I walked past some people, mostly men, while some were catcalling others were grunting and snorting and yelling SUEY (sp?) at me! I felt so humiliated and normally don’t hold onto childishness like that, but I couldn’t let go, it hurt deeply and no one can know the depth of that pain unless it’s been done to them.

I’ve been doing really well with changing my thoughts and creating positivity in my life. Most of the time, no matter what you see on the outside, I feel like a beautiful dancing ballerina on the inside, know Yeshua’s/Jesus’ love and value of who I am, who He made me to be.

This past week was especially hard with things being so busy at work and I found out that a friend I loved dearly passed away a week ago. Another friend gone, another nearly gone…I think it’s okay to feel these things for a while but not to wallow in them, not to let negativity drag us down and keep us in a dark place.

This week, I’ve not turned to carbs so much, I can’t eat when I feel bad, nervous, upset. It just makes me sick to think about eating. It might be nice to feel that way all the time, but that’s not healthy living either.

Negative Elements of the 10 Commandments

I wrote this a few days ago. For some time now I’ve been writing the Torah and the 613 commandments to help me better understand what the Commandments or Mitzvot are all about. As I was writing these 10 (CJB version) I began thinking about how so many of these are unknown to others, some may only know a few that they will use to “build themselves up,basically, fluff their appearance to hide evil deeds in a dark life they lead”.  As I began writing these I couldn’t stop thinking of the negative elements that are in each commandment…the opposite of what the command states.
It’s ironic I think, that each one with the negative added (1a, 2a, 3a etc…) doesn’t even surprise me, doesn’t phase me, I realized that I’ve become nonchalant about the negatives, this is because we all hear the stories on the news and in the paper about so many of these things. I wrote my own negative statements and it wasn’t easy to do. I know in the past I’ve committed some of them, I’m not dismissing my own mistakes and I won’t make excuses. This isn’t about me anyway, it’s about how deceived we are because of lowered standards in society, because it’s easier to accept the least than to stand up for the BEST!!!
Exodus 20 – Negative Elements of the Ten Commandments
1 “Then God said all these words:
1a- I never heard god say these words.
2 I am ADONAI your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the abode of slavery”.
2a- You are NOT Adonai my God, I did not want you to bring me out of the land of Egypt, I wanted to be left you in the abode of slavery!
3 “You are to have no other gods before me”.
3a- I want all the other gods before and not you. I will worship who I want!
4 “You are not to make for yourselves a carved image or any kind of representation of anything in heaven above, on the earth beneath or in the water below the shoreline”.
4a- I want to carve images into any representation that I want, nothing from heaven above, I will make them on the earth beneath and in the water below the shoreline. I want to have tattoos and cut lines into my body to show I am patriotic!
5 “You are not to bow down to them or serve them; for I, ADONAI your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sins of the parents to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me,
5a- I will bow down to these other gods and serve them; You are NOT Adonai, my God, you are not jealous, I do not want you to punish the children for the sins of the parents to the third or fourth generation and the ones who love me!
6 but displaying grace to the thousandth generation of those who love me and obey my mitzvot”.
6a- I will not show grace to those who love you or your commands!
7 “You are not to use lightly the name of ADONAI your God, because ADONAI will not leave unpunished someone who uses his name lightly”.
7a- I will use the name Adonai however I chose, You will NOT punish me because I use your name when I please!
8 “Remember the day, Shabbat, to set it apart for God”.
8a- What Shabbat? I will not do anything for God!
9 “You have six days to labor and do all your work,
9a- I want to work as little or as much as I please!
10 but the seventh day is a Shabbat for ADONAI your God. On it, you are not to do any kind of work -not you, your son or your daughter, not your male or female slave, not your livestock, and not the foreigner staying with you inside the gates to your property”.
10a- This is NOT the Shabbat you speak of, I will only go to church on Sundays. I want to work after church and no one can stop me and my wife and children, my slaves will work and my cattle will work, the foreigner will work with me if I tell them to!!
11 “For in six days, ADONAI made heaven and earth, the sea and everything in them; but on the seventh day he rested. This is why ADONAI blessed the day, Shabbat, and separated it for himself”.
11a- There is no way the whole heaven and earth, the sea and everything in them were made in 6 days, Sunday is my day to go out and party after sitting in Sunday church!
12 “Honor your father and mother, so that you may live long in the land which ADONAI your God is giving you”.
12a- I don’t want to honour my father and mother, they never honoured or nurtured me, I will live a long time without them! Adonai is not my god, that is just a name for something stupid.
13 “Do not murder”.
13a- I want to murder.
14 “Do not commit adultery”.
14a- I want to commit adultery.
15 “Do not steal”.
15a- I love to steal!
16 “Do not give false evidence against your neighbor”.
16a- My neighbour says things about me that are not true, if he can lie about me then I will him.
17 “Do not covet your neighbor’s house; do not covet your neighbor’s wife, his male or female slave, his ox, his donkey or anything that belongs to your neighbor”.
17a- I want my neighbour’s house; I want his wife, his children and his female slave, his ox and donkey and anythng that he owns. I am much more deserving!!
In closing, I would challenge you all to do your own Ten Commandments challenge of writing your negative elements/reactions. I’m not suggesting that it needs to be an emotionally charged response, but if it is then that’s great, don’t you think? I think we all need to take a really good look at the lives we are living, admit and accept that we’ve made our mistakes, but in that time I suggest making changes in your lives as well. The ‘walking out your salvation’ for most people I know, ‘baby boomers’ is now into two generations of each of our family’s.
I’ve been reading over the negative elements that I’ve written and I weep and I notice that my prayers are not about surface things anymore but about supplication; deeper, more intimate relationship with Yeshua, about healing for others and whoever is reading this, I consider the ‘others’. I also would point out that this is for healing in our lives, what we’ve allowed and it’s not about condemnation of others or ourselves.
My prayer for you is that if you read this and you feel regret or remorse, which I think most will be, that you consider very seriously what you can do to make a difference. It’s high time that we start doing for the BEST (Jesus/Yeshua) and stop putting our ego/self above others, above the Values and Morals that we desire for our children and grandchildren to have. That we start raising up a generation of Warriors who will join in the right plight for the Kingdom, have Intentional Purpose for the God of Abraham, Issac and Jacob!!

He Tells Me He Loves Me…

I’m just a girl.
“You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. Psalm 139:15-16
I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live. Acts 17:26
You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14 Yahweh is in awe over his creation of us and fears us as we do Him…
I knit you together in your mother’s womb. Psalm 139:13
And brought you forth on the day you were born.” Psalm 71:6

I have no “gigantic secret” when it comes to my salvation, when it comes to being a christian.
“Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. James 1:17
For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. Matthew 6:31-33
My plan for your future has always been filled with hope.” Jeremiah 29:11

My father told me he loved me on the night he died, I never heard the words from him before that.
“In me you live and move and have your being. Acts 17:28
For you are my offspring.” Acts 17:28

I told him I loved him, I was terrified of him but moma always said, “tell your daddy you love him” and I, being the obedient and timid daughter, I always did what I was told.
I’m sure I loved him, at the very least I looked up to him.
You may not know me, but I know everything about you. Psalm 139:1
I know when you sit down and when you rise up. Psalm 139:2
I am familiar with all your ways. Psalm 139:3

My Father, my real Father who has always been there for me.

He tells me He loves me…no matter what.
After my earthly father died, I could never understand why his work and his community were so much more important than his family. I’m very grateful that I had a father at all. I learned to be a servant as well, but taking care of my family first. I understood the need, but why did he have to volunteer for everything that came along. Why couldn’t he desire to be with his wife and his children. “I offer you more than your earthly father ever could.” Matthew 7:11

My real Father, my Heavenly Father shows me and tells me that He loves me in so many ways.
Through all of nature and this beauty that astounds us.
Through the birds singing, children laughing, a cat that rubs against my leg wanting food to eat. He tells me He loves me through friends I hold dear, through love that was long forgotten, through smiles, laughter and through tears. “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” Psalm 56:8

My Father tells me He loves me in the rain, the wind, the ice, the storm and He tells me He loves me in a pure white snow — untouched and left clean of the world around us.
The glistening of the crystals — who could make up something so amazing and minutely detailed as a snowflake; only those works of the Almighty and Most High Elohim. Who can grow a child from conception through 9 months inside of a being, no one but our Yahweh can!

I know through all these things and many more; through His word that He loves me…no matter what. No matter how many times I fail or mess things up, no matter how many times I forget to thank Him or praise Him, no matter how many times my selfishness might cause me to stumble and I don’t give Him my best, He still loves me. I love Him too…no matter what.

Spirit Move Me

It’s in that moment when being around someone and know and trust and feel what they have felt, though never touching one another. I go to him in solidarity and my tears heal me and it’s not as if I’m crying it’s the spilling over of the holy spirit that exudes from within me. I’m so full it has to come out from the eyes, from my lips through praise, through a glimmering light that breaks through the darkness of the outside world… voices break, it must only be a whisper or a slight breath that brings the moment of clarity between us. if I could live in silence and be this filled all the time, would I even seem real, real to those who need my help. a barrier breaks or thunder crashes and the peace inside me is so deeply felt that a loud sound is like a small tinkle of a bell. there’s no touching, just breathing slow as though I’ve tasted the sweetness of something and I never want to lose that from my tongue or my memory. it’s the spirit in me, it engulfs me like being in the womb or my mother, the fluid that surrounds the whole of me, it is life, it is each breath I take, i just want to soak in this and be in his glory as a baby would be. I want to be so deeply in him, my body tingles all over and it’s so very warm, like a blanket soft and pure smelling straight from a hot dryer. this must be what it feels like to be in the shadow of his wing, to be held I remember so ver well, he shelds me and carried me hundreds if not thousands of times. He soothes me in my ill-content, in my pain, in my slumber. He soothes me when I go into unfamiliar spaces. What must it be like to be in his presence, when all this hot white blue sings alleluia to His name.

On Becoming

Paul understood the importance of discipline in 1 Corinthians 9:24-27 he emphasizes that, as followers of the Most High God, our spiritual lives form the core of our character. If our character is flawed our spiritual lives will be also.

Inspiration and talent will only carry you so far. The habits you form will sustain you. Even a very strong passion will not be enough. Enthusiasm does not make up for preparation. Exuberance doesn’t translate into a giant trophy. All of these things are good but none of them; exuberance, enthusiasm, inspiration or talent replaces training and discipline. I train daily for my spiritual journey, it’s more important to me than any trophy or accolades or compliments.

I long to have balance in my life, this comes through self-discipline which ultimately comes from relationship with Yahweh. In order to have the self-control we need to cultivate this same kind of spiritual fitness. Doing so can and will affect other areas of our life – how we treat others, where we go for answers to major decisions and the skills we use in accomplishing our daily tasks.

If you want to be effective, identify the habits you need to build into your life so you can share with diligence – habits such as physical fitness, balance between work and home, financial and personal accountability, productivity in the workplace and the like. Strap on your shoes and get going. Disciplined habits will give you the momentum you need to not only move forward, but also to run your earthly race with strength and purpose.

A Tireless Endurance

She comes to me and says,
I’m depressed. I stay up all night and watch tv
I sleep all day because I cannot
bear loneliness in the night

I cannot bear the silence
or the days of light
the dark is what I long for the time when I close my eyes
and the nothing in there it hides.

it’s like the veil covering over
the darkness inside
like a curtain that closes
so I don’t see the outside.

I cannot even cry anymore
the hurt is so deeply rooted
or I’m so numb from the inside
The tears won’t flow
Pain won’t come out

I’ve kept myself silent
for so long this burning,
yearning this tireless endurance
for Him to come

it has me worn thin
much more than a veil
almost like shattering
yet more like a hell

the words I should say to her
I can’t seem to find
the impression of her heart
an expression of mine

but I can’t say those
it would be so unkind
taking advantage of her heart
by unleashing mine

how are the words
i love you never enough for
all they see is brokenness

a heart scorned
she yells and screams
and they’ll never understand
you took my Son!

and with their lashes
she watched him bleed
with the thorns they
impaled into his head.

He never once cried or even begged a plea.

she cried out No, No, No!
he is mine and his Fathers
the most sublime
without a whimper or worry
he just hung there to bleed

how can I say these words to her
she who feels this
life is so hard
when she’s so hurt,so anguished

why can we not see
that our weeping our sobbing and tears
are nothing that can compare
to the torture and torment
the price he paid

On that scheduled day in a life He made

The Fabric of Creativity

We work. We worship. We serve. But there’s another element to our identity as human beings, the part that we’ve inherited from our Father who can’t stop creating, producing designs, dreaming beauty.

1 Chronicles  28:21 – refers to these innovative, imaginative efforts: “The divisions of the priests and Levites are ready for all the work on the temple of God, and every willing man skilled in any craft will help you in all the work.” The text renders it as craft—creative acts, the arts—and He whispers again: avodah. He emphasizes his singular loom by whispering avodah twice in this one verse: work and craft are both expressed as avodah in the original Hebrew. The ancient Hebrews even used the term avodah to describe the sacrifices offered in the temple.  And that is the key. To live a fully devoted, interwoven life, we must see everything as a sacrifice to Him.

Our sanctification does not depend as much on changing our activities as it does on doing them for Yeshua, rather than ourselves.  We don’t need to change activities from monetary work to missionary work to be devout. That very construct is false. All true believers are in full-time ministry. So we can stop tearing our lives into the categories of worldly and spiritual. We can put away the scissors of selfish ambitions and self-seeking comfort and self interests. If our lives feel fragmented, it’s because we are tearing up Yeshua’s one-piece fabric.

We wear His seamless silk when we mindfully offer everything we do as a sacrifice to Him.  Paul explained this clearly to the Romans: “So here’s what I want you to do, YHVH helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life – your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life – and place it before Yahweh as an offering” (Romans. 12:1).  When we see our lives as a sacrificial offering unto the Lord – avodah – our work becomes art and our art becomes ministry and our worship becomes serving and our serving becomes help to others.

Just as the “LORD our God is one LORD”, Deuteronomy 6:4, so He weaves all of life on only one loom, and there is only one word for the whole of lives rightly lived in sacrifice to Him.

100% pure Avodah.

Ordering Your Life

The value of orderliness is not about housekeeping or paper filings, but about the order to our lives. When the Holy Scriptures teach us to have our lives in order, they are not talking about a neat desk or living room, but a neat life.  It’s so very easy to let our lives be cluttered with issues that are not so important, and we get so run down with them, we fail to see the things that are most important. This is evident in the story of Miriam and Marta, in the Bible. Two sisters host Yeshua’s/Jesus’ visit:

One of them is busy running around making sure the refreshments are done, and food is ready to be served, doing all the work, while her sister sits at the feet of Yeshua, listening to his teachings. The working sister complains to Yeshua that her sister is not helping, and she is doing all the work by herself. She may have thought she would be commended for her service and sacrifice. Yeshua surprises her by saying that her priorities were wrong and it was her sister who chose to listen to His teachings that had the priorities correct. Having order to our lives helps us to make the best choices.

Philippians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me–put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

The reality is, a life that is lived in faith is lived in a rhythm. Some traditions and culture help us live according to that rhythm, and create the orderliness we need to have. (rivertonmussar.org)

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