Certain Reservations

I’ve not been here in a while, this place in my mind is reserved. Too many thoughts rambling about, searching for words. Deception, lies, deceit, words unjust and unclean to my mind and my thoughts; a world full of people who are drowning in hurt; they have let pride and stench from the ugly and dirty places fill their lives so high to the point that they don’t think; they seemingly forget about the the deep down hurting words and the beatings in the night; faceless man on the bus {There was a boy/man got on the bus with no face, no eyeballs at all, just hollow places where they were meant to be. He had a service dog and people gawked and stared and I wanted to go talk with him but I didn’t because of the service dog and the protection measures he needed}.  

Two others had a great impact on my ride for those days…It’s quite a thing when we recognize in our own minds that there is something deeper than what we seen or felt.  A young woman huddled in the dark, writing her ‘saving words’, as she referred to them, a young man who aches and cries at night for his mother’s sudden death and the birth of his daughter because he was sitting in another State finalizing his life with his mother. 

How can they not see that there is release, that they don’t have to hide under deceit and lies and there’s a place and a Force we all know and they’re only three small, yet encompassing words, Yahweh, Help Me! Of course, they’re more than just words, there’s daily walking and talking and living outside of what society deems to be normal, to find a voice and calling beyond what’s in a phone.

How do I turn those things into positive, meaningful and life-enhancing words, when I felt like I was stripped of even the smallest amount of dignity at all. It is not a thing of Pride. Once I have forgiven, I don’t like to revisit the occurrence but this time, for the sake of witness, I will. I know where my strength is, I’ve always known that it comes from Him, the Almighty, the Omnipotent God who Loves me, who Loves us all.

I know not why I search unless it’s the giving up of self/ego, trying to think I can do things best on my own. It’s IN Him from which everything I am is drawn from. It’s IN Him that I wake and I breathe through each day that He gives me. His strength is IN the faceless man on the bus, the young woman huddled in the dark,, the young man who aches and cries at night for his mother’s sudden loss. He asked to hug me because I am a mother, missing my mother too.

This was a vivid image in my mind. I was thinking of the people on the bus, on the side of the road, at the airports – no money, no food, no clothes, no Hope. Is hope all it takes to transform a life, desire misconstrued, an opportunity waylaid by a life of unveiling. I think Hope is a great place to start but I believe also that we must have, Faith and Belief in the One God that offers us complete provision when we go to Him.

Sometimes I wonder how people muddle through this world without some glimmer of hope in their eyes. I see it, you know…that look that slips across their face when I meet their eyes with a smile.

That look of want. of plead. of empty. They desire but do not seek.

And then we pass and they are gone. But they stay with me even after I’ve passed through and am home under covers. Because that look of hopelessness coats my soul with the grief that only loss can bring.

I want to go back and touch their shoulder and draw them back to the place I call Home and the One I call Father.

But as for me, I will always have hope, for You have been my hope.

I cling to Him tightly in those moments when the world rocks and I have nothing but the pounding cries of uncertainty. What do they do, when the waves slam them against the rocks until their grasp loosens and their dreams flow from their eyes like water?

In my nights of darkened grief when all I can do is weep until my pillow soaked with my tears and my hair is moist with salted sorrow, I know that my fingers can reach upward and grasp those of the One who holds me close.

I’m running to His arms and the riches of His love will always be enough.

Attitude of Gratitude

“When people think of generosity, they usually think of gift giving, especially during the winter holidays. The focus is on what you give and what you get. A few others focus on the needy.

On an daily basis, most people in public are bombarded with homeless people offering to work for food, and on television we see pictures of hungry children in third world countries. Most of these appeals are touching at first, but wind up being no more than an annoyance after the third or fourth time of being seen. The desire to help others degenerates into giving to appease a guilty conscience because we have and they don’t. Eventually and sadly enough, many become numb to the whole thing.

Generosity is more than simply writing a check or digging into your pocket to give to the needy. Generosity is an attitude, and and should translate into all our interactions with others. When you give someone the benefit of the doubt, that is generosity. When you are kind to someone who we might think doesn’t really deserve it, that too is generosity. The way we treat other people and the attitude is the most accurate reflection of generosity”. Excerpts taken from: https://drschiffman.wordpress.com/2011/12/29/generosity/

For me, generosity comes from the gratitude I have to YHVH/God for all He has done for me. Every blessing in my life is a reminder of the abundance of His goodness. With my family’s limited income we cannot afford to be generous with people as much as we’d like. We give to the needy, I can almost always offer the time to listen to a person’s problems and give them comfort, I can take someone who has fallen, and help them get on their own two feet. We can afford these things (not monetary) because YHVH/God has been so good to us.

When I meet people who are stingy with their money, or with their time or energy toward others, it makes me wonder how grateful they are toward YHVH/God. When we really appreciate what He has done for us, it enables us to be generous.

I know people who make excuses to not give. They say the ‘beggars’ (I despise that term) use the money to buy drugs and alcohol. They say all the donated money for the TV begging goes to pay for air time. I think we have to use great discernment and wisdom when we give, but we also need to be willing to take the opportunity and consider that we might be doing some good by giving. I just see it as this, in giving to someone it might be the only nice thing that person has had happen to them.

The parables of Yeshua/Jesus are all about the generosity of Him, but also about how we need to be generous toward others. Because Man was created in the image of YHVH/God, the way we treat others is a true reflection of how we feel toward Him. True godliness can not exist apart from human decency. Psalm 145, Matthew 25, Isaiah 58 all have some great verses on how we should give.


Tread Lightly

Proverbs 15:1 — “A soft answer turns away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.”

Take every thought captive.  I always thought I knew what this meant, but I was very wrong about it. Then I started making major changes in my life and was shown these verses in Isaiah 55:8 -11:

8  “My thoughts are not your thoughts, and my ways are not your ways,” declares the LORD.

Just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways, and my thoughts are higher than your thoughts.”

10 Rain and snow come down from the sky. They do not go back again until they water the earth. They make it sprout and grow so that it produces seed for farmers and food for people to eat.

11 My word, which comes from my mouth, is like the rain and snow. It will not come back to me without results. It will accomplish whatever I want and achieve whatever I send it to do.”

Every thought we have does not have to be spoken out loud or expressed! I know now that over the years I was harsh with others, often cold-hearted. I never meant to be, I didn’t understand when others said to me, “don’t take things personally” and it really upset to be told that over and over.

I never understood what it meant, I didn’t seem to have people in my life that would explain those things. Have you heard the quote, “hurt people, Hurt People” well, that was me 100%. When in the course of life, If a person has been hurt or worse — abused and this occurs continually as a life-pattern. That person is usually on the defense because {1} they either don’t care about themselves anymore and/or {2} they’ve been hurt so much that the thought process always goes back to the painful moments (negative thinking), either emotional or physical, sometimes spiritual.

Many of us I believe do this and are  still in this thought process. It’s not easy to step outside of it, it can be very hard and painful to trust again. Not one of us knows how much another is hurting, not one of us knows the past a person has suffered, even if you hear the words or the stories, we truly just do not know. I understand a painful situation, many times I can relate to that situation, but I cannot possibly have that person’s thoughts, their painful moments, I cannot take their place and their pain so they don’t have to suffer and to struggle with each day. Biblically-speaking, we are not meant to do that because we are supposed to give our burdens and struggles to the Father. Physically, emotionally-speaking, it’s just not even a possibility to take someone’s troubles.

{Psalm 55:22 – Cast your burden on Yahweh, and he will sustain you. He will never allow the righteous to be moved.}

No one need ever fear telling the Truth about anything — unless we fear our Creator isn’t capable of redeeming everything we’ve been through. I was that fearful too when I lived in one wounding after another, when everyday was bruises and bumps and burns to my soul from words that ripped me apart inside, tore me until I felt I had no identity.

Remember what the quote said in the beginning of this post, “hurt people, Hurt People” this perhaps is a perspective that might help someone out there to understand more fully that aching question, “Why me”? All of us, I believe, at some point will face these things either as victims, survivors or abusers and there is a way, whether or not you believe in God to move beyond this but my thought is that in the end, you will turn to your Creator for the best help possible.



I was Captivated…

It’s the depth that no one sees, the deepest soul of things. Paint that hides underneath the yellowed varnish that was forgotten for a hundred years or more, until one brave chisel flaked away the dark to show the light. The ugly turns beautiful like the old is renewed. It causes me to ponder the days of the past…when she was young and I was scared and captivated at the same time.

It’s nearly springtime, and I’m watching as life is battling winter every minute, every second to find its way out of the ground and into the blue sky out here.

I remember when she found a feather for the first time, and she smiled and held it up, and the velvety strands were strong despite the wind and the weather. She throws it in the air and shouts, here bird, it’s the dove we once had that she always called ‘bird’, here’s your feather, at six she’s just beginning to speak of life through words. It flies up to where her little fingers can’t reach, for a moment she whimpers and this second of sadness falls over her.

My breathing lingers on this one feather as it floats down, downward like the oceans wave in slow motion and her smile fills me, the look of discovery and love in her eyes. I whisper, open your hands, open those blessed little hands. The second of sadness turns to joy and glee as the feather spirals down and touches her fingers and I see a glimmer of light in her eyes, nestled in a spot between the tips of her hair and her eyes wide open and Oh, how she shines. This is You, in which I give all my love.

Down on my knees, where I am one with dirt and clay, I take the feather and tuck it in her hair, this little girl He gave me, the little girl in my heart throwing back long, light brown waves of hair with spirally curls on the ends, I smile as she is laughing to the sky. It’s holy laughter and love for His creation in the purest form.

I’m beginning to find Him in the little things, the things I had forgotten. I’ve written here for years about the beautiful ones, the weak, the small, the strong, the almost hidden ones in the Bible, the ones He created that were seemingly invisible to everyone else.

My memories of this innocent and brilliant little girl drift in and out while slicing avocados. I watch the slowly melting away of the thick skin under the cold steel of the knife to reveal the green nourishment, the delicacy and the thick and perfectly-shaped pit, the way a womb holds life, like your mother when she carried You inside of her. I’m speechless how much life can be wrapped up in something so wrinkled, so ugly it’s beautiful in the life it bore.

I feel the pain of that knife slicing, like the birthing of life, so smooth is the pain that has built-up around the potential of life that He placed in my heart. It hurts and the release causes me to laugh and cry at the new life I see.

The dirt is seen, speckles indulging here and there, tucked away deeply, like the clay moulded and breath of life that came before it. It blooms rich like spring and life through grace; indeed there is life shining from every pore. I long to be radiant, to remove the veil so the Light bursting from me can be a witness to every corner.

Tears stream down on my face as the feathers of life move and the ugly/beautiful grace of renewal spreads and the Light of Him flows through me.

I feel something stir deep inside my soul. It’s that little girl that was me and now… is she, tucking the feather behind her ear, she sits beneath a tree with the soles of her feet pressed together and elbows on knees.

Silent whispers breathing softly, your words run through me, interwoven like the roots of Life that is You.

Life Preserved

“Sitting in the dark. In the terrible. In what seems impossible.
The understanding of life as gift – is more fundamental for our stance toward life preservation than the language of right to life.

The understanding of life as a gift isn’t overwrought eloquence – it’s understanding how we overcome the enemy. Life as a gift isn’t poetic lyrics – it is powerfully literal.

Life is literally a gift – precisely because the Giver wasn’t required to give the gift at all.

Unless a man looks to Yeshua, a man doesn’t know how to treat a woman.

When God decided to pull on skin and make His visitation into the world, He didn’t come to us at some black tie affair.

This is what God chose as best, this is where He first became one of us: God chose to make His entry point into the world through the holy place of a woman, to enfold Himself inside of a woman, to drink of a woman, be held and nourished and cared for by a woman – that’s the truth of how God loves His daughters with His honor.

That Yeshua never beat down a woman with harsh words or lusting eyes or sneering innuendos, but He stepped in and stopped a broken woman from the abuse of angry men. Yeshua came to the defense of a hurting woman and the Son of Man stood between her ache and her attackers and He lifted the weight of shame from her and cupped her heart with hope and wrote a new future into the dust and dirt of everything and he saved. her. life. That’s how God loves His daughters with His defense.

That Christ didn’t degrade women in His talk, but He made women heroes in His stories. He invited a woman with a coin and broom to reveal the truth about the Kingdom of God. He honored an intentional woman with an unjust judge as unveiling the character of God. He elevated a lonely, unmarried woman who dropped her meager resources into the temple treasury as the rebuke of God for all the rich and religious. That’s how God loves His daughters with His words.

That Christ didn’t demonize women but He accepted the presence of a woman reviled by the self-righteous, He sat with the scandalous woman the righteous regarded as damaged goods, He welcomed the rejected and the immodest though he lost the respect of the religious. That’s how God loves His daughter with His grace.

That when Christ stepped out of that black tomb, he still didn’t choose to first manifest Himself to prestigious officials, religious leaders, the Twelve, but instead He revealed Himself first to the women, He entrusted the veracity of His resurrection to the testimony of the women, He offered the privilege of proclaiming Christ as the risen Savior to the women, though no court at the time would accept their testimony. That’s how God loves His daughters with His regard.

The Gift of Giving

We are built both to give and to receive. To expect to do one without doing the other is like, sitting on one end of the teeter totter expecting to have a good time going up and down, while refusing to allow anyone to sit on the other side.

In times of difficulty, it is always easy for us to become so focused on our problems that we become totally centered on self. Giving helps us to escape that trap. It pushes us up, just as surely as someone else sitting on the other end of the teeter totter lifts us from the ground. Through the simple exchange of energy by giving to another, we find ourselves buoyed with uplifting and joyfully rewarding energy.

Giving reminds us that we are limitless beings living in an infinite universe. What the Father gives us the desire to do comes from the Holy Spirit; although some may not know that yet.

“I am the vine, you are the branches. Whoever remains in me, and I in him, will bear much fruit; for you can do nothing without me” (John 15:5). Our loving and understanding Father is not out to “get” anyone, because they have to ask for help. He sends people (branches) to our lives to show us how He loves to share His vine.

Giving helps us push past our boundaries. If you’re shy or timid around others it can be hard to reach out to a stranger without knowing their exact response.  Sometimes we might find ourselves needing to step out of lukewarm comfort and feel the cold chill of desperation. Giving gives us a feeling of abundance when the rest of the world feels sparse.  2 Corinthians 10:15  “not glorying beyond our measure, that is, in other mens labors; but having hope that, as your faith growth, we shall be magnified in you according to our province unto further abundance…”

Giving helps us grow, if we are giving without expecting rewards. 

2 Corinthians 8:14  “but by equality: your abundance being a supply at this present time for their want, that their abundance also may become a supply for your want; that there may be equality:”

Giving is a gift we give ourselves as long as we realize that our Father has given to us, so we can return the gift.

My own personal experience has been that when I give, the more excited, energetic and joyful I feel. I love the way I feel when I give to others, whether it is time, money or blessing. I have come to accept giving as a vital step on my own personal path to becoming who I want to be.