A child has no idea what it feels like to doubt, what it feels like to have your whole belief system on overload with skepticism. Honestly – Continue reading “Impaling Thoughts”
September 18, 2018
My sister died today, my existence paused in my heart, the belief she’s gone, a world without her. We were very close and many thought we were twins, in high school that is.
Thats all I can really write about at this point.
Great experience today that I wanted to share:
I saw this older woman walking in the heat and she had three heavy bags. I noticed she stopped walking and could barely stand. I turned the car around and told her to get in the van and I’d take her home. She was so thrilled and very grateful.
I introduced myself and she said I’m Nancy too 😊we both laughed and woohoo-ed each other.
Then she was talking about her family having so many birthdays in July and I told her mine was the 21st and she burst out laughing and I asked what day hers was and she said the 22nd.
We laughed and woohoo-ed again. By that time, we were at her home and she said that she was so blessed to meet me and that we had so much in common…what a great blessing for me after being told I wasn’t hired for a job I really wanted. .
It was awesome 🤗 I was so happy to meet her and be available to help her out. So many drove right past her and never stopped to offer help.
The biggest and best thing is that it Immediately turned my negative experience into a positive experience. I am a blessed Woman
The Lover of my Soul
He created me and cares for me, he tells me I’m without fault or blame, without blemish, even though I make mistakes, it’s okay, I won’t be punished for it. He tells me and shows me love and warmth and protection with each new day…
His name is Yeshua (Hebrew for Jesus)..and he sees my struggles and loves me through them all. He never gives up on me. I have made my decision…Yeshua is For me, not Against me. I want Him more than anything else.
You see…it’s the perfect love story and I live to tell of it. He loves me so I can love Him and no matter my struggles I can always live and reach out to others.
All the years I’ve spent thinking and disallowing myself to be whole; because I talked myself into believing, that my mistakes keep me from being whole.
In the meantime, negativity and self-pity found a stronghold in my mind. I’m closing my mind to those things, never to rest in me or on my tongue again.
I want to devote my life to Him like many others have and help others in the ways they have.
He blooms contagiously within every part of me.
Every vein pumps His blood, every muscle is endowed with the strength He gives me.
Every tear in His bottle, meant for mine alone.
He is contagiously for Me…
We’ve now made the move to NC and are settled in and getting comfortable. The job that I wanted to transfer from was going to be too far to drive so I am interviewing and sending resumes out.
In the meanwhile, I’ve spent time discovering new things about myself and dealing with some old baggage. YHVH\God has provided in every situation that we have encountered rough waters. It’s quite an expense moving from state to state if your company or the military doesn’t pay for everything.
I’ve been listening to a song called Unwritten for a few weeks now and it pretty much says all my thoughts..yes, I feel very Unwritten and even though I know the Father has a plan for me, I believe I need to have a plan of Purpose for my life. The song and lyrics are here if you’d like to have a listen:
Do you ever see something that looks like it’s strange or you think maybe you’ve not seen it before? Upon close inspection, however, you will notice that it’s quite normal and you’ve seen it hundreds of times before.
While cleaning the washroom one afternoon I spotted a lady’s face, it was in the vinyl above the bathtub. While I had never seen it before after living there for over 5 years, now I suddenly started seeing it and I could Not see it, even if I tried. I always find that humorous.
I woke up this morning thinking, I’ve never known who I am, not in my entire life.
Lately, things are becoming so clear to me, so clear in fact, that it’s hard to differentiate between whether I’m seeing through a glass or seeing the natural.
I’ve always believed in seeing the good in others; actually, it’s not as much an intended thought as it is a way of life for me. I just never saw that people are ‘inherently evil’, now I know that’s what the Bible tells us in Psalms 51: 5 – “In evil, I was formed in the womb and in sin, my mother conceived me.”
A few days later I saw the Torah Portion for this week and I’ll share it here…amazing how so many thoughts I have seem to be shared by others at the same time.
Seeing With Spiritual Eyes
Sitting in the room with all the like-minded, broken, bruised, torn apart people just like me. Set Apart.
What are those words?
Why those words?
Yeshua bled is why and He’s why our unique creation exists; all individual, flawlessly created, not one being like the other.
Identical twins aren’t even the exact same.
Why did He chose me to be there.
He put me there against all the odds that were impaling me.
I have these voices in my head (negative thoughts), they’ve been there for so many years beckoning me to hear their music, to follow every note and keep in tune. And I did, because I knew no differently.
I could barely think of a time when the whispers were louder than this calling out of who I thought was me.
The darkened days, the gloom, the sorrow, that infinite dark cloud shadowing over me with each step I take, each breath.
Every chance there was, so was the darkness.
Ephesians 6:12 “For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.”
This verse goes through my mind many times. some days, sometimes only once is all I need.
We’ve all heard the saying, “try, as you might”, “keep trying”, “don’t stop trying”, “try try try again”. The point of these phrases is to encourage others to keep going, keep moving forward. To also understand that ‘trying’ never really has a stopping point in our lives, unless WE stop.
I used to say, “I hope I’m doing well or I hope I’m good enough”, to be good enough is irrelevant, actually, just to do well or try to do well IS enough.
Sometimes I’m filled with the, I hopes, “I hope, I hope”…. or I hope I’m doing what YHVH wants me to be doing. What He wants us to be doing is focusing on Him. I’ve now exchanged those “I hopes” with I’ll keep trying.
How does this fit in my relationship with YHVH/Yeshua. The mere fact that I am focused on doing something and thinking of Him blesses Him more than I ever realized.
Surely we’ve all been there at least once in our lives; ready to give up when it seems like the burden has become too much to bear.
It could be a relationship, a job, an illness, or maybe even life itself… the feeling of just throwing in the towel seems like the best thing to do (at least at the moment anyway).
The best thing I have found to do when I’ve felt like giving up is turn to the Bible. The Bible is full of encouragement for any and every situation we could possibly face.
Many of the Psalms have helped me, chapters 23, 27, 40, 46 and many more. Job has always been a great source because I always have so many questions.
Don’t worry that ‘just trying’ might not be enough, trying is more than enough, at least, in our Father’s sight.
Just keep on trying, don’t give up too easily, don’t quit in a ‘spur of the moment’ situation. Be still, wait and remember…
Trying is enough.
So much of my past hurt me, I hid so much for so long and used food as a protection from more pain. Now, I’m addicted to food or at least carbohydrates. I used to love myself or at least I convinced myself I did. No one could hate me more than I do myself at times. The other day I walked past some people, mostly men, while some were catcalling others were grunting and snorting and yelling SUEY (sp?) at me! I felt so humiliated and normally don’t hold onto childishness like that, but I couldn’t let go, it hurt deeply and no one can know the depth of that pain unless it’s been done to them.
I’ve been doing really well with changing my thoughts and creating positivity in my life. Most of the time, no matter what you see on the outside, I feel like a beautiful dancing ballerina on the inside, know Yeshua’s/Jesus’ love and value of who I am, who He made me to be.
This past week was especially hard with things being so busy at work and I found out that a friend I loved dearly passed away a week ago. Another friend gone, another nearly gone…I think it’s okay to feel these things for a while but not to wallow in them, not to let negativity drag us down and keep us in a dark place.
This week, I’ve not turned to carbs so much, I can’t eat when I feel bad, nervous, upset. It just makes me sick to think about eating. It might be nice to feel that way all the time, but that’s not healthy living either.