A child has no idea what it feels like to doubt, what it feels like to have your whole belief system on overload with skepticism. Honestly – Continue reading “Impaling Thoughts”
I remember the day he asked me to please forgive him, we both bawled like babies. It humbled me to the core. I was hurting so much but I didn’t care, I never wanted to see him on his knees in front of me with tears streaming down his face. He looked so tired and exhausted. He was a true friend. Frank Houtz. I called him my Rabbi, but he didn’t care for the title. He often said, “I’m just a teacher”.
On February 20, 2019 his life ended due to an abrupt heart attack. It wasn’t really a shock to me, many times when I worked at the school, which was where our group met for Sabbath studies, Holy Days and Feast and Festivals of the Bible, I would see how terribly he struggled to get up the stairs of his office. We spent so much time talking and he shared so many amazing, yet hilarious stories with me.
My sister passed only five months before Frank on September 18, 2018. Her death was also an abrupt heart attack; which she and I had talked quite frequently about. I knew what she wanted for the end of her life. I was never allowed to have any expression of what she asked me to tell her son and his family. It was all so sad and they’ve blocked all communication between us and them. I continue to move forward and seek more for myself and for my daughter.
Just a week or so ago, Franks mother passed away at the age of 97. I’m so happy for her and grateful for the many memories we shared in over the past 10 years that I have known the Houtz family. Now I’m watching from afar as the two eldest Houtz have children and raise them.
All I can think to share is, make the best of the best times you have now.
I want to love my life, since I never have. It feels like so much is holding much is holding me back. Or am I holding myself back with all the fear I feel from the thought of living in singularity.
I don’t think I love anything about him, for years I tried and even convinced myself that I could be content, but I never could be that way. I can’t/won’t settle for someone who cannot do for himself, cannot make his own decisions and make goals for himself.
He told me why he loves me…all very codependent reasons. Because I did things for him, he loves me. I encouraged him, I helped him to believe in himself, but he doesn’t believe in himself at all.
People I thought were friends told me I should do what the bible teaches. Today’s bible is mistranslated many times and not written to be truthful. Most people cannot accept the truth about what the bible says. I can. I have for many years.
September 18, 2018
My sister died today, my existence paused in my heart, the belief she’s gone, a world without her. We were very close and many thought we were twins, in high school that is.
Thats all I can really write about at this point.
“Where He leads me, I will follow”… this is an old song from the baptist hymnal.
Have we made sure it is His leading and not our desire twist causing us to believe that it’s His.
Some I’ve known are quick to think because things went so smoothly that it had to be God’s will, and sometimes I would agree.
Other times, it’s His will and the path isn’t smooth or easy going.
A lot of times He’s taking us on a path that’s hard traveled, with tests and trials along the way, I have learned to appreciate and grow during the hard times too.
Great experience today that I wanted to share:
I saw this older woman walking in the heat and she had three heavy bags. I noticed she stopped walking and could barely stand. I turned the car around and told her to get in the van and I’d take her home. She was so thrilled and very grateful.
I introduced myself and she said I’m Nancy too 😊we both laughed and woohoo-ed each other.
Then she was talking about her family having so many birthdays in July and I told her mine was the 21st and she burst out laughing and I asked what day hers was and she said the 22nd.
We laughed and woohoo-ed again. By that time, we were at her home and she said that she was so blessed to meet me and that we had so much in common…what a great blessing for me after being told I wasn’t hired for a job I really wanted. .
It was awesome 🤗 I was so happy to meet her and be available to help her out. So many drove right past her and never stopped to offer help.
The biggest and best thing is that it Immediately turned my negative experience into a positive experience. I am a blessed Woman
It’s never an ordinary day here. there’s always one thing or another going on.
Sometimes it can feel like I have a million things to do and no matter how I try, it doesn’t seem to get resolve when I want it or when I need it to be.
But I know there is always hope.
Even when you mess up, you have not wrestled control from Him.
After all the dust has settled, where you are and how you are is just as He set the course at the outset of creation.
You may not understand, you may not be able to see, but nothing can interfere with that plan. All must go higher and only higher each day.
And so, there is always hope.
There have been so many endings and surprise beginnings in my 57 years.
Paths I never dreamt of, opened up while other paths closed forever.
What I have discovered is a deepening closeness with YHVH – our Creator.
From relationship With Him I am gaining strength and sometimes I can place my feet where needed and not just live for survival.
Other times I felt that I was switching back and need to restart.
But always, I am being made new.
The Lover of my Soul
He created me and cares for me, he tells me I’m without fault or blame, without blemish, even though I make mistakes, it’s okay, I won’t be punished for it. He tells me and shows me love and warmth and protection with each new day…
His name is Yeshua (Hebrew for Jesus)..and he sees my struggles and loves me through them all. He never gives up on me. I have made my decision…Yeshua is For me, not Against me. I want Him more than anything else.
You see…it’s the perfect love story and I live to tell of it. He loves me so I can love Him and no matter my struggles I can always live and reach out to others.
All the years I’ve spent thinking and disallowing myself to be whole; because I talked myself into believing, that my mistakes keep me from being whole.
In the meantime, negativity and self-pity found a stronghold in my mind. I’m closing my mind to those things, never to rest in me or on my tongue again.
I want to devote my life to Him like many others have and help others in the ways they have.
He blooms contagiously within every part of me.
Every vein pumps His blood, every muscle is endowed with the strength He gives me.
Every tear in His bottle, meant for mine alone.
He is contagiously for Me…